10 Things I Wish I Knew When I Got Married at 20
“Till death do you part.”
I said those words at the ripe old age of 20 and 6 days. I though I knew what I was doing. That the world should be so happy for me that I’d found someone who said he’d put up with my nonsense forever.
But there’s so much I didn’t know. More than just not knowing how to cook, I didn’t know that I was heading down a lonely road; a road where half of the people I knew were angry that I’d gotten married, and the other half just couldn’t relate to it.
But here’s what I’ve learned from being the only married one at 20.
ONE
You will be the only one to get married out of your circle friends for at least another 6 years. Then you will be the only one of all your friends start having kids. Your kid will be old enough to babysit all your other friends’ babies when they finally start having them!
TWO
You will definitely have moments when you wish that you weren’t married. Whether it’s a cute guy flirting with you at the coffee shop (because normal 24 year olds get hit on, but you’re oblivious that it was even flirting until your friend tells you) or the fact that all of your friends are still able to go out and party on Friday night… you’ll wish that you weren’t tied down. It’s fleeting, but those moments of true envy for the life that a “normal” twenty-something has will come along every once in a while and you need to be prepared for them.
THREE
Marriage is hard work. Like, really hard work. You have to really want to make it work. You have to wake up each day and say “oh my gosh, your feet stink but I CHOOSE to love you today anyway.” If you take away the option to get a divorce, come hell or high water, you need to make it work.
FOUR
Marriage is NOT like the movies! In movies, fights are funny, the house always looks like a Better Homes and Gardens Magazine, and no one talks about someone else’s bathroom habit bugging them. In movies, there’s an infinite bank account somewhere and no one thinks twice about spending $500 on a typical date night, the guy listens to the girl and always goes above and beyond what she wants in the end.
Real life isn’t like the movies, and real marriage isn’t like the movies either. If you’re sitting around all day waiting for a grand apology with flowers, candles, and a romantic dinner for leaving a sink full of dishes for the fifth time this week, it’s not going to come. And you’ll be disappointed. Nothing good comes from believing that movies are a good indicator of real life.
FIVE
There will always be people waiting for your marriage to fail. Or to say “I knew it, I told you so” if it does. It’s sad but true. Instead of trying to help when I need it, there have been so many people saying nothing but negative comments. I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been told “you’re still young, why don’t you just get a divorce and find someone better.” Sorry guys, my husband isn’t a car; I don’t just get to trade up when I’m sick of the model.
SIX
Before you even get married, there will be people who try to talk you out of it. And when they can’t talk you out of it, they’ll tell you things like “just don’t get pregnant right away.”
The only people who were happy about our engagement were my husband’s family. Outside of them, I heard any number of ridiculous questions: why do you want to get married? Why is that the logical next step in your relationship? Why do you feel like you need to get married?Â
Why does it matter to you? Is it hurting you? Is my decision to get married hurting you? No? Then you can keep your opinion to yourself.
SEVEN
You’ll learn to pick and choose your friends closely. For every reason I’ve said, you’ll want to make sure that you’re surround yourself with people who don’t treat you differently because you’re married, but don’t go out of their way to try to break you up with your husband.
EIGHT
You need to grow up a lot faster. Yes, marriage is hard and you may wind up losing a lot of friends, but you’ll also gain new ones. Probably ones that are older than you. Who aren’t looking to get wasted on the weekends. Who invite you over with your kids to watch the Bachelor and eat chocolate with wine on a Monday. Your “peers” may now be people who are 5 to 10 years older than you. Â And that’s ok. Once everyone your age is getting married, chances are they’ll be coming back into your life looking for the same friendship that you were looking for as a newlywed.
NINE
You might be 20, but when you’re with your husband and your best friend introduces you to get new boyfriend of 1 month, you’ll instantly feel like you’re so old. Suddenly you’re the “old married woman” when you’re 25. And, if you’re lucky, they’ll ask you for relationship advice on how to get where you are.
TEN
You may have gotten married before everyone around you, but God willing, you will be married for longer than any of your friends, too. You’ll get to spend 40, 50, 60 or more years together growing in love. My husband’s grandparents celebrated their 61st wedding anniversary this year. And they’re both 82 now and could very well make it to see their 70th anniversary (or more, who knows!). If they hadn’t gotten married at 19, they may have never made it to 61 years together.
At times it may be a lonely road, and a tough one too. But at the end of the day, the man who I fell in love with at 18 is the man who walks in the door every night after work. I look forward to every day we spend together. Better or worse, I wouldn’t have it any other way!
Leanne@crestingthehill says
my husband and I are very different personalities – people always commented that we wouldn’t last. I was 21 (he was 22) when we married and our 33rd wedding anniversary is coming up soon. It has been really hard at times, but also pretty darn amazing at other times and I have absolutely no regrets from following my heart all those years ago. Continue to ignore the naysayers and celebrate finding you one and only and making a life together!
Hannah says
You are so right Caroline!! I got married at 19 and Jake was 20. We had a number of people, including someone on our wedding day, that told us they thought we wouldn’t make it. We were finally told by a friend after we had our first baby that we were probable going to make it. I was either pregnant or had babies at almost all of my friends weddings or wasn’t invited to them because we had lost touch after I got married. I feel you sister!
Caroline says
Someone told you ON your wedding day!? That’s AWFUL! Well you guys sure proved THEM wrong!
MaryThe boondocks blog says
God Bless. Have a great life with the man you chose to marry and don’t pay attention to anyone. You have to live with him, no one else does. And not everyone is mature at 20. In fact the opposite is true. Follow the road less traveled. There is nothing better than sharing your life with your best friend.
Caroline says
Thanks, Mary!
Heather says
Since today is my 15 year anniversary this hit hard and is so true, I was 22 and had a baby and married. I don’t have any of the friends I had back then. My family didn’t even come to the wedding. It is hard work and going at it alone makes it that much harder, thanks for sharing.
Caroline says
I’m so sorry to hear that, Heather. My family didn’t come to my wedding either. But that hasn’t stopped my husband’s family from being incredibly supportive of us!
Kristy as Giftie Etcetera says
I got married at (barely) 21. All of this is so true!
Joann@EuchreFun says
You brought up so many great points. I got married at 22 and we just CELEBRATED 34 years! You are right it is hard work, but now that the children are almost grown – not out of the house yet LoL – we are enjoying some “us” time!! It was worth the struggles and by the grace of God we have made it this far. We are looking forward to the future! Wishing you many blessings! Thanks for sharing on No Rules Weekend Blog Party 🙂
Dawn says
Yes. I’m another one who got married at twenty! We’ll be married twenty years this August. I love that we still have so much to look forward to and we’re still young (ish). I remember those early days of marriage, and the extra determination I felt, to prove the doubters wrong. ; ) God bless you.
Thank you for linking with Grace and Truth last Friday.
Mary Blair says
I admire your “Married for a Lifetime” and DIVORICE IS NOT AN OPTION attitude! That is one of the keys to a long and happy marriage. I married my sweetheart at age 19 and he was 23. Only marriage for both of us. I went to college when our youngest was in 1st grade & became a teacher. We’ve had some hard times, some heartaches and some sorrows ( our little daughter & only child died). We later had a son and daughter. And I can tell you one thing for certain: if either of us had been a danger to a child, the other one would have been gone in a heartbeat to protect that child. 🙂 That is a different ball of wax. There were times I wanted to stomp him and times he wanted to stomp me. Big Deal! But we were/are still determined to make each other happy & be the best parents we could be. Our lives have changed directions several times over the years: Jobs, children, illness, death & etc.) SO—–BE QUICK TO FORGIVE AND FORGET. BE EQUALLY QUICK TO REMEMBER THE NICE THINGS HE SAYS AND DOES. Last week, my Sweetheart and I celebrated 56 years of marriage. My parents were married 74 years.